Roxane Gay Loves Love — but Only the Mutually Respectful Kind: 'If It's One-Way, Then No Thank You' (Exclusive)

Mar. 15, 2025

Debbie Millman (left) and Roxane Gay in 2019.Photo:Leon Bennett/WireImage

Leon Bennett/WireImage

Roxane Gayloves a good romance read, and has some advice for real-life people looking for love, too.

TheBad Feministauthor and cultural critic chatted with PEOPLE tied to the launch ofNo Ordinary Love, a zine and online anthology of real people’s love stories created in partnership with dating app Hinge. As part of the project, Gay and other authors likeR.O. Kwon,John Paul Brammerand Isle McElroy interviewed real online daters to challenge the idea of “perfect fairytale beginnings” and “celebrate the beautiful imperfections of real relationships,” according to the project’s synopsis.

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Writing a romantic short story conveniently aligned with Gay’s reading habits, too. “Romance is one of my favorite genres. It’s so escapist at times and it’s a fun genre to read, especially because so much of what I do is not the most cheerful,” she says.

Roxane Gay at a screening of ‘Zola’ in 2021.Frazer Harrison/Getty

Frazer Harrison/Getty

The author cited Helen Huang andJasmine Guilloryas two of her favorites, especially the latter’s love affairs with a side of delicious-sounding snacks.

“Jasmine is just so lovely and so great at writing romance and telling stories about people who I find endlessly interesting,” Gay explains. “And she also writes food beautifully. She makes it a real sensual pleasure in every sense of the word. So she’s definitely a favorite.”

As she reads, Gay does reflect on her own romantic history. She and fellow writerDebbie Millmanmet in 2018 and married in 2020.

“Whenever I read dating stories, I’m just like, ‘Oh my God, I’m so glad I’m done with that,’ " Gay says, with a chuckle. “Dating is well and good, but the sort of uncertainty and the getting to know each other, I feel like I’m always getting to know my wife, but I alsoknowher. And that’s a relief to just have that sense that I know who this woman is.”

“I know that there are going to be surprises, but I don’t think my world will ever be completely upended,” she adds. “And you also know this person is going to be here no matter what for better or for worse, through thick and through thin. And so it’s always interesting to compare and contrast that.”

Debbie Millman and Roxane Gay attend The Museum Of Broadway Opening Night at Museum of Broadway on November 12, 2022 in New York City.Bruce Glikas/Getty

Bruce Glikas/Getty

She also wants those who are still looking for love to keep their own worth in mind — and make sure your partner feels theirs, too.

“I think my only romance wisdom is you can never spoil someone too much. It’s OK to spoil someone and to be luxurious,” she says. But that doesn’t have to mean opening your wallet. She adds that “paying attention and anticipating someone’s needs and doing your fair share of domestic labor without needing to be told” all counts, too.

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“There’s also just adoration and more importantly mutual respect. If it’s one way, then no thank you,” she explains. “I do think that a lot of people have to compromise what they want and what they deserve, and that’s unfortunate. So I just always want people to find relationships where they are loved reciprocally and where that love is shown.”

Gay hopes young women, in particular, feel empowered to ask for what they want and not settle for “callousness, casual indifference and a lack of care” from their romantic partners or dating prospects.

“It’s always sad when people think asking for my bare minimum is asking for too much because we tell ourselves that we should just be grateful that anyone’s interested in us at all,” she says. “And I certainly been there and it’s a miserable place to be where you just think, I don’t deserve any better than this and it’s never going to get any better than this.”

“We don’t have to suffer that,” she says. “Those days are over.”

source: people.com